Month: November 2015

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

– Theodore Roosevelt

I spent more time than I care to share lamenting over missed opportunities – until I came across this famous quote. Now, I apply it to my life to keep me from getting stuck. I must admit, it is quite liberating.

With Purpose,

Jack

It is no secret to my family, friends, and closest colleagues, that after I filed for divorce 25 years ago, several acquaintances began to tell me that my ex-husband was a no-good habitual cheat. He even cheated with some of my closest “friends.” All I could think about was how could I ever trust anyone again? I labeled myself a complete fool and often asked, “How could I have been so naive?”

After some serious self-coaching, the key question that helped with my own transformation was: “How does self-deprecating behavior serve me?” How does it serve me to be the recipient of the information others felt the need to share? I had to decided if I would receive it as a gift of enlightenment or as an instrument of pain? How does it serve me to know that I was betrayed by the person I was morally, emotionally, and let’s not forget, legally, committed to and, with individuals I embraced as supporters – members of my inner-circle?

Additionally, how did it serve me to beat on-lookers to the punch by labeling myself because of the morally reprehensible acts committed by and between my spouse and the friends he cheated on me with? Some might conclude that these are rhetorical questions. Well, they are only rhetorical if I was able to make a point!

In Tyler Perry’s 2005 romantic comedy-drama, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Cicely Tyson’s character provided some sage advice I believe to be appropriate for anyone experiencing emotional hurt and pain resulting from a divorce. This is what she said to Kimberly Elise – the young lady who was playing the role of her daughter – Helen McCarter: “When somebody hurts you, they take power over you. If you don’t forgive them, then they keep the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.” Although I agree with these sentiments, I would recommend another piece of advice – let go of any baggage that will prevent you from moving on with your life – while you forgive.

Forgiveness is one of the best dishes you can serve someone who hurt you – even better than divorce papers after you discovered their act of infidelity. Because it is an intentional decision on your part, by choosing to forgive you will clearly convey the message that you are in control of your life and as such, you are taking back your power from those individuals who hurt you.

This intentional process will help you to transition from being a victim of divorce to an overcomer – not a survivor. As with almost anything in life, it is a choice that only you can make. Forgive and harness your power; the result – a highly-evolved, emotional state of well-being for you and those individual whom love and support you.

Now ask yourself, “How would that serve me?”

With Purpose,

Jackie